*or, more accurately, on the following weekend--except this week, when the editor actually remembered to post!
Note: Given the rather...unconventional title for the fanfiction, it must be re-iterated that all views expressed below are those of the writer. However, all jokes regarding Freddie are fully endorsed by the editor.
This fanfic is a work of interactive fiction. At various points, you have a choice between two labelled options. You should then read the matching branch, and then go to “Continue the story”.
“Freddie no!” Bane shouted as Ron was impaled on the sword of a first-year, Freddie. Freddie was possessed by Lord Voldemort. Ron fell onto the floor, unmoving and clearly fatally injured. Bane was distraught: he had been best friends with Ron for three years, ever since he got lost in the Forbidden Forest in first year detention and was adopted by Bane.
Bane felt his blood boiling. He stared at Freddie and…
(a) … ran straight at him. (b) … then quickly ran back into the forest.
If you chose (a):
In blind fury, Bane barrelled into Freddie and trampled him to death. He walked over to Ron’s body, but he was clearly dead. He pulled the bloodied sword out of Ron and took it with him back into the forest, unable to believe what had happened.
If you chose (b):
Bane kept running blindly, as if he could run away from his emotions. He stopped after about five minutes to process what had happened and plan his next move. Meanwhile, Freddie approached Ron’s corpse and pulled the sword out. “Wow, cool!” he said. “What happens if I do this?” he asked before stabbing himself and falling back dead. Back in the forest, Bane had come up with a plan.
Continue the story:
“I will get my revenge,” Bane thought, “by killing all humans.”
The next day, Bane left the forest and approached the first human he saw, a fourth-year Gryffindor student named Hermione. “You there!” he yelled. “Come with me or I will unleash my secret weapon: (1) happiness.” (2) Alexander Hamilton.”
If you chose (1):
“Ooh, I love happiness,” Hermione said. She followed Bane happily into the forest until they reached the elixir of happiness.
“I know you won’t like this, but you cannot leave or else I will—"
“I don’t want to leave! I’m happy to stay here as long as I can drink this elixir.”
“Okay, well sure, go ahead. Now for the plan…”
If you chose (2):
“Yes, I loved that musical,” Hermione said, anachronistically. “Alexander Hamilton is one of my favourite wizards!” She followed Bane happily into the forest until they reached Hamilton’s decaying corpse. Bane turned to Hermione. “I know you won’t like this, but you cannot leave or else I will—”
“I don’t want to leave! I’m happy to stay here as long as I can take selfies with Alexander Hamilton!”
“Okay, well… sure, go ahead. I mean, you know that he’s dead, right—in fact, I don’t care. Onto the plan…”
Continue the story:
Six weeks later, Hermione had made a Time-Turner, a perfect replica of the one she had been given the previous year. “Alright, time to go back to 1757 to stop Alexander Hamilton from being born and creating the elixir of happiness,” Hermione announced.
“Yep,” Bane said, “that’s a real thing that we’re going to do.”
And so they went back in time and approached Rachel Faucette Buck, Hamilton’s mother. They decided to…
(i) … kill her. (ii) … talk to her.
If you chose (i):
Bane ran at Rachel, about to use his signature move—trampling people to death. Instead, she held him back with a single hand, using superhuman strength. “How did you do that?” Hermione asked. “I’ve only ever seen that effect with the elixir of manibus.”
Rachel looked up, shocked. “I’ll show you.”
If you chose (ii):
“Hi, so umm… this is going to sound a bit weird but… we need to kill your baby.”
“My? My?”
“Your baby. See, he’s going to go on to create the elixir of happiness, and we—”
“The elixir of happiness? I think you’d better follow me.”
Continue the story:
Rachel took Hermione and Bane to her basement. There were potions bubbling all over the room. “What’s happening? Alexander Hamilton hasn’t even been born yet,” Hermione asked.
“What do you mean? These are my inventions,” Rachel said.
“Oh my god! In the future, your son takes credit for these elixirs,” Hermione said, shocked that one of her heroes was not who he had seemed.
Hermione looked around the room, taking closer note of all the different types of potions. She recognised several of them, including one which was the elixir of happiness, and another which was called the elixir of manibus, but there were many others that she had never seen before—big ones and small ones, round ones and tall ones, and even a…
(I) … bright purple one. (II) … an invisible one.
If you chose (I):
“What’s that bright purple one?” Hermione asked.
“That’s the elixir of deus ex machina!” Rachel replied.
Hermione opened the potion excitedly. “What does the potion do?” Bane asked.
“It destroys the universe,” Rachel said, and the world faded to black.
The end.
If you chose (II) and previously chose (a):
“Let me show you one of them,” Rachel said, and she reached over and grabbed what looked like thin air. As she opened the stopper to the invisible potion bottle, it became visible.
“It’s an elixir of invisibility,” Rachel said as Hermione stabbed her with the sword, grabbing the elixir and drinking it. Then Bane and Hermione travelled back to the present day, killing all the humans one by one by sneaking up on them invisibly and stabbing them.
The end.
If you chose (II) and previously chose (b):
“Let me show you one of them,” Rachel said, and she reached over and grabbed what looked like thin air. As she opened the stopper to the invisible potion bottle, it became visible.
“It’s an elixir of invisibility,” Rachel said.
“Ooh, Hermione, we could use this potion to kill humans if we sneak—” Bane was interrupted by Rachel.
“Okay, I’m not quite sure what’s happening here but I’m not going to be part of any murder, least of all my own son’s. I don’t like to do this, but…” Rachel pulled the stopper out of a green potion bottle and threw the contents at Bane and Hermione. The glass shattered at their feet and a brown mist rose from it. The mist covered Bane and Hermione and then disintegrated them.
“Glad to see that the elixir of death still works,” Rachel said. She felt a contraction coming on. She was about to give birth.
The end.